Had I Known
by Reni-Chan
Summary: I wished I could be like you. I wished I could be with you. I wished I could tell you. Sometimes I wished I was him. You were so close to him... HET. Drabble. Some spoilers. T for character death


Had I known:

Summary: I wished I could be like you. I wished I could be _with_ you. I wished I could tell you. Sometimes I wished I was him. You were so close to him... HET. Drabble. Some spoilers.

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A/N: Considering I pretty much can't stand the guy, I wonder why I'm writing fanfiction about his feelings... Meh. Also, I haven't beaten the game. I don't know how it ends for any of the characters. So if there was some miraculous cure I don't know about, I'm sorry.

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I always thought alone was okay. I was easilly able to get by on my own. I only allowed others near me out of necessity. Bonds weren't something I needed. Friendship was unimportant.

You were always lively, smiling. A throng of friends surrounded you. Including him, the one I hated. Still, it seemed like you were enjoying life to it's fullest.

For the first time, I wanted that, too.

But I ignored that feeling. I pushed it down, and kept my nose to the grindstone. Working harder and harder. I needed to prove myself- I needed to-

You never sought to prove yourself to anyone, did you? You never had to. You lived at your own pace.

I wanted to live like that, too.

Once again, I ignored those feelings.

I saw your face when my upperclassman burned that tree. Stuck between sadness and anger. Already I didn't approve of his actions, but... You drove it deeper. Your expression made me feel guilty for _his_ crime. Of course, I was at fault too. I followed orders so blindly, and I hurt you. When you had come so far, worked so hard...

I apologized, and I shoved that feeling into the back of my mind.

I couldn't believe what happened to you at the tournament. I was almost glad my team did not attain victory. When gained through those measures, it would be an _empty_ victory.

I, once again, felt guilty. But I covered up those feelings with anger. I had to share a workshop with _him_? I was short-tempered and curt with everyone, including you. I was too angry to feel guilty at the time. I feel guilty now.

We often disagreed. I suppose I should've expected that. You were so free-spirited, and I was too disciplined to go along with your little plans and plots. Still, you were kind to me. You assisted me, even when I didn't want help. You smiled at me knowing I would only frown in return.

...Had I known, would I have acted differently?

Had I known that you lived so freely, because you had little time to do so... Had I known how fleeting your bright light and your smile was...

Would I still have wished I could be like you? Wished I could learn to enjoy my precious time, while it lasted?

Surely I would... Or at least, that's what I think now.

So many times I wished I was him. He was so close to you... You were always talking to him, laughing with him. A few times I saw you holding his hand.

After a time, those feelings of wanting to be_ like _you changed... to feelings of wanting to be _with_ you. _I _wanted to talk with you, laugh with you, hold your hand...

I had no idea how quickly that hand would slip out of my grip, beyond my reach... Beyond anyone's reach.

The first time I saw your strength falter... When I barely managed to catch you, when you fainted so unexpectedly. You wouldn't tell me why. _He _seemed to know what was wrong. Once again, I was reminded of your bond with _him_.

I thought, perhaps that was for the best. He was better for you. I didn't want to tie you to someone who couldn't join you in your freedom... I would surely hold you back.

Yet... You reached out to me. With that hand I longed to hold. You smiled, and for once I felt I could smile back.

... Had I known... I _would've_ smiled back. Would've told you-...

I didn't know. They say hindsight is twenty-twenty. They're right... I can't see your smile now... I can't hold your hand. All I can see is a name in stone, and an epitaph. All I can do is place these flowers on this soil, and smile through my regret. I can only hope that you are returning my smile, and that when I reach where you are...

... You'll reach out to me again.

Next time, I'll take your hand.

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A/N: If you couldn't tell, that was Roxis Rozenkrants thinking about Jessica Philomele. In one of her relationship developing intros, you find out she had a bad illness as a child that shortened her lifespan. I don't know if she's cured at the end or not, so I'm writing this with the assumption she died. I really hope she doesn't though, **(PLEASE DON'T TELL ME WHAT HAPPENS!) **because she's my favorite character.


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